08. Let Go of the Wheel

A note for the girls who learned to captain their own ships. This is our season of surrender.

I’m in new territory.

The waters in front of me are wild and unfamiliar. Unlike any that I’ve sailed before. Hesitation has crept in. What used to feel closer to smooth sailing now feels shaky. Like the ship is going out of control and I’m working the wheel harder, but not getting anywhere.

I have to admit, the unknowing scares me. In my childhood, I decided that if I was going to override what I felt like was my generational inheritance I’d have to take complete control.

I told myself: I will never just settle with the flow of life.

So, I became good at mapping out my future, knowing what I wanted and how it would all unfold. I taught myself how to build, plan, and strategize…. Basically, I learned to captain the ship. 

No matter the waves, I would control the direction, I believed. I could and would take my life where I wanted it to go. After years of trying to steer the wheel, of constantly proving and planning... I’m tired.

I feel like there has to be a life with more ease. One where I don’t have to always be five steps ahead. One where trusting in God’s perfect plan for my life is enough.

At this point, I am craving wonder. But if I’m being real... I love being in control. I like knowing the narrative, the flow, the next right step. I like having a well-thought-out plan that makes sense. One that I can explain to myself at least. Im working on it, ek.

But nothing in my life has ever gone according to plan. And the times I’ve tried to force it, like really grip the wheel tight, that’s when I was the most bruised. 

Right now, I don’t know if surrender and strategy can fully co-exist. It feels like they can’t.

So I keep wondering… what could happen if I fully surrendered?

I dream of a world where women feel secure enough to loosen our grips. Where our journey to unlocking our deepest ambitions is filled with more wonder and ease. Where we believe our wildest dreams don’t require control over a 3 to 5-year plan to be obtainable. A world where we trust that if God says it’s ours, then it is so..

Who would we be if we let go? What wonders could we see if we allowed another Captain to take control of the wheel.

Back to this new territory. The waters ahead are wild, unfamiliar, and uncharted.

It may be the same for you. There’s no map. No lighthouse. Just wind. Waves. Maybe a bird or two.

But there’s somewhere in the quiet between the crashing waves, a whisper from somewhere deep inside saying: Don’t be shy. Let go of the wheel.

We have to listen to it.

So, if this speaks to you, I hope it gives you a bit of courage to loosen your grip too.

Here I go again, trying, to release my grip. I don’t know exactly where this will take me, but stay tuned. Because maybe, just maybe, wonder can carry me somewhere control never could.

// Tyshaia
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