11. What if you could?
A love letter to the little engine that could....
The first from my “Letters From the In-Between” series. These are reflections written from my messy middle of dreaming, doubting, and still doing it anyway.
I am somewhere between hope and hesitation. You’ve probably been there? Feeling like you’re on the brink of a breakthrough, yet still battling the kind of resistance that makes you question whether you even believe you deserve to reach it.
I find myself in the in-between, the space between big dreaming and heavy doubting, often. It might be one of my biggest twenty-something dilemmas.
The valley of disbelief is a dangerous place. That valley can drive a girl insane. I know this because I’ve visited it many times. Like now, when my thoughts are as twisted as the hair inside the bonnet I’m wearing.
Everything feels heavy, my thoughts feel impossible to detangle, and the spiraling makes my body tense up. Then, luckily, when the valley feels like it’s closing in, and there’s nowhere left else for my mind to go, and, a small whisper comes from within: "But what if I can?"
Consciously, I can’t stand the thought of dying, which I know can happen any day, wondering what could’ve happen if I just persisted through all of this. The thought of carrying the weight of woulda, coulda, shoulda’s makes me cringe.
Those thoughts jolt me. Because what if I could?
I frantically push myself into gear. I have a dream life to build, and no one’s going to do it for me. So, I get back to work.
The internal motivation doesn’t always last. And when I allow the tiniest trace of doubt to creep in, it spreads like the worst kind of infestation.
I’ve tried to wish doubt away. Not just for me, but for the women who move through this world the way I do.
Of course, that didn’t work.
But something has to give and we need all hands on deck. Because life is too heavy, and these times are too dark, to let another woman go six feet under with her light confiscated by doubt.
So, for now, here’s my offering: A love letter to the little engine that could:
To the woman caught somewhere between a dream and a doubt,
I see you.
And I know the position you’re in too well. One minute, you’re moving with intention, focus, and certainty. The next you’re frozen by questions you thought you’d already covered. Here you are oscillating between “I’ve got this” and “But what if I don’t?”
Welcome to the in-between.
Will this trend end? I’m not too sure. But, persist anyway.
Because that big dream you have…That vivid picture painted in your imagination, the one only you can see, is too beautiful to be subsided. You might as well try. Why not you? You don’t need to have it all figured out.
Don’t be shy.
Don’t die wondering… Because, what if you could?
With love, Tyshaia